The Musings of a Misfit: Un-special

 About “The Musings of a Misfit”: Being a misfit is a lonely business. I know, because I am one. So through these reflections on some of the things I have wrestled with, the hope is others will find encouragement that they are not alone in their struggles.

November 2020

They tell me I’m talented. They tell me I’m gifted.

The truth is I am neither. At least, not the way people mean it. What they see, what they hear, is that which comes from a modicum of talent and a handful of gifting accentuated by years of training and hours of hard work. As they would know if they ever encountered the truly gifted and talented who has trained and worked hard. Then they would see that I’m just above average, nothing that spectacular in the grand scheme of things.

But having them call me talented and gifted makes me want to be talented and gifted, to meet those expectations. So I train hard, study hard, work hard, pushing myself to improve. But in the end, that only makes me feel like a fraud. For I know that training, study, and work aren’t the same as talent and gifting. They cannot fill the void—at least, not all of it—created by a lack of talent and gifting.

So I wait with bated breath for the day that people will discover the truth. That I’m nothing special, nothing worth their time and attention. That they will find someone else to shower their praise upon. I know such a day is coming, but I dread it. Being different has made me an outsider among most already; but that is bearable when that difference is seen as having a purpose, a reason. Someday, however, that will no longer be the case. Then I will be relegated to the fringes, unwanted and forgotten, no longer special but a freak.

Or so the voice of fear whispers—and occasionally shouts—in my ear.

But the voice of fear is not the voice of truth. That belongs to You, Lord, and the words You speak do not sound like the voice of fear or even the voice of expectation.

Your words affirm that, while I may never be special, gifted, or talented as the world defines special, gifted, or talented, I am who I am for a reason. There is a purpose behind why You designed me the way You did, though I may never fully understand that purpose on this side of heaven. More importantly, I don’t need to be special, gifted, or talented to be noticed by You, because You, the Creator of everything, already see me, value me, want me, love me.

In light of that, how much more special can I be?

Valued, Not Valuable

Valued and valuable are not the same.

This is the truth God has been impressing upon my heart this past week. It is a simple truth, perhaps an obvious one, apparent to most people. However, for me, I somehow missed the vast difference between the two, and truthfully, it distressed me.

For I have frequently heard in Christian circles that I am valuable in the sight of God. This was said with the intent to comfort and reassure. It did anything but comfort or reassure me. Instead, it raised a niggling question in the back of my mind, a question that would not go away but I was not brave enough to voice: What happens when I have nothing of value? No fruit, no influence, no souls won, no positive impact made—and very little potential for any of it in circumstances which seemed very isolating? Would God regret choosing me?

That doubt was a lie. I knew that and tried to refute it as such: God makes no mistakes; He promised never to forsake me or forget me; He sees me, loves me, and that would never change because He never changes. But despite knowing all this with my head, the niggling doubt lingered.

Then I realized, from watching a secular television show of all things, the difference between being valued and being valuable.

Man looks at people and sees them as valuable. Therefore, man values other people. However, this value is dependent on the person valued: what he is or what she does determines his or her value. So when we no longer have anything to offer or our status changes or another surpasses us, we are no longer valued because we are no longer valuable. As a result, we are tossed aside and forgotten, neither needed nor wanted.

This is not how God sees us. He created us and therefore values us. And since He values us, He treasures us as something valuable. So my value is not dependent on me or who I am or what I do or not do. It is dependent on God, on His actions and His character. And because He does not change, His value of me will not change either.

So God loves me and He values me. 

Therefore, I will always be valuable to Him.

The Gift of Time

Each day, each year, is a gift.

It is easy to lose sight of that midst the everyday. After all, we have places to go and people to see, activities to finish and problems to straighten out. And trouble! Sometimes it seems like that is all life is comprised of.

However, problems don’t change the fact that our days are a gift. God is not obligated to provide us one more minute of life, much less one more day. Yet He continues to extend our lives, minute by minute, day by day, until we accumulate another year of life. It is truly by the grace of God that we live.

May we remember that this day and every day which God grants to us on this earth!

Unconditional Surrender

This week I’ve been learning again the lesson of unconditional surrender to God.

Let’s face it. I’m hardly where I thought I would be at this time, still single and unpublished, among other things. My long-cherished dreams of family, a writing career, and a life of impact remain unfilled, and with each passing day, it seems more unlikely they ever will be.

I knew when I began this journey that the path God directed me toward was full of risk and the odds were strongly again me. But I also knew that I serve a big God, and odds mean nothing to Him. So I set out, believing that if I walked patiently in obedience, God would open the doors.

Fifteen years later, I’m still waiting.

Don’t misunderstand me. God has provided me everything I’ve needed and so much more. I’m blessed beyond measure in so many ways. But that which I yearn for the most remains beyond my grasp, and frankly, that hurts.

As a result, I’ve thrown a lot of questions at God the past few months. Whys and hows and whens, sometimes in anger, sometimes in despair, many times in confusion. And He hasn’t been exactly forthcoming with answers.

Instead, He has reminded me again what unconditional surrender means: When I became a Christian, I gave up my “right” to demand anything of Him—not that I had that right to begin, any more than clay has the right to demand answers of the potter. But at that moment, I voluntarily submitted to Him, acknowledging that I was not my own; I had been bought with a price.

           

That means God is free to do with me whatever He pleases. He can bless me—or not. He can use me—or not. It’s His choice.

Does this mean I won’t continue to question? Of course not. And some of those questions will be thrown out in anger and despair and confusion. But I hope that each time I do, I will circle around and be able to say,

“Here I am. I’m Yours. Do with me as You wish.”

Entitlement

The only thing we are entitled to is death.

That is a sobering thought, isn’t it? All we have, all we desire—we deserve none of it. Even a roof over our heads, clothing on our back, and food on our tables are divine gifts provided by the Sovereign King whom we has rejected, scorned, betrayed, and rebelled against in the harshest sense of each of those words. Only His deep love and longsuffering mercy prevents Him from sending each of us—you, me, our families, our friends, our churches—straight to hell.

Yet we presume on His patience and His grace. We act according to what is right in our eyes. We demand He gives us what we what when we want it. Then we become upset when He doesn’t do it or forget to thank Him when He does.

And such is the insidiousness of entitlement that it creeps into our lives unseen in numerous ways: Frustration over someone cutting in front of us or when a store doesn’t have what we want. Jealously over another person getting what we want, whether the latest electronic device or that job promotion. Anger at the “unfair” treatment we receive as individuals or as a collective group united by ethnicity, religion, or political beliefs.

O LORD, forgive such arrogance and presumption! Humble our hearts to see what a gracious gift all we have is. Fill our mouths again with praise instead of grumbling. 

The Illusion of Control

Letting go is one of the hardest tasks that we humans have been called to do. It goes completely against the grain of what society tells us, of what we desire, of who we are.

Even more, letting go is terrifying. It taps into many, if not all, our greatest fears: It thrusts us into the unknown. It makes us vulnerable to pain and betrayal. It forces us to admit we are weak, broken, limited.

So we clutch and grab. We manipulate and calculate. We scheme and plot and plan. We erect barriers, extract revenge, school ourselves to not care, and defy anything or anyone who gets in our way. All because we do not want to let go. It is safer that way, we try to convince ourselves.

Yet this is a lie, a grand deception we’ve talked ourselves into believing because we want to believe it. We want to control our destiny, produce our own happiness, “become like God.”

The problem is that we have no ability to bring about any of these things no matter how much we might want it. We are powerless, unable to master ourselves much less anyone else. Desires drive us. Cravings control us. Temptations exploit our every weakness, proving resistance truly is futile.

And so in the end we discover our control is only illusion.

Not a Competition

Christmas is not a competition.

I know this full-well and have known it for a long time. And it is a truth that I’ve unexpectedly bumped into again.

This year I will receive one main package, a package whose contents I already know. So as I looked at my Christmas tree with its packages beneath, an unexpected swell of discontent arose within me.

That surprised me. I want the gift being given. I know what it will cost the giver. Gratitude should be the response. Yet as I thought of all the gifts that will be given, I felt cheated instead.

But Christmas isn’t a competition. When did I lose sight of that? Yet in the midst of the shopping and advertising and gift-giving—especially with the abundance we enjoy—it is easy to forget. It’s not about the best light display or the biggest Christmas tree. It’s not about how coordinated your decorations are or how many parties you’re invited to. It’s not about how many gifts we get or their size or their price tag. It’s not even about how many gifts we give.

Rather, it is about gratitude. Gratitude for the ability to give, gratitude for the ability to receive. Perhaps that’s one reason Thanksgiving sits so close to Christmas here: It’s not supposed to be a day to give thanks before consumer madness kicks in, but rather the first day in a whole season of gratitude.

So forget the competition. What others have is not what’s important. Rather, give thanks to God for what is before you, whether it is small or great, much or little.

That is the spirit which allows us to celebrate Christmas all year long.

Amidst the Christmas Bustle

Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the music. I love the sappy movies. I love the colorful decorations and twinkling lights. The tastes, textures, smells, sights, and sounds of Christmas all bring me delight. For me, it is a bright and colorful break during the short and often dreary days of winter.

Yet I have found it is easy to get lost amidst the bustle, to go through the entire month without every really enjoy the season only to wake up one day and realize it’s over: a new year has begun.

For I may hear an endless stream of music—but how often do I stop and listen to a song? I may spend hours decorating house and tree, but once they are up, when do I ever step back to enjoy the beauty created?

I mix and cut and bake favorite Christmas treats—only to scarf them down without tasting them. The scents of evergreen and cinnamon fill my home, yet rarely do I smell them. I watch Christmas movies half distracted, their storylines familiar. I greet family and friends without ever feeling their warm embraces.

Is that the way to celebrate anything? No wonder I can finish the season feeling tired and empty, rather full of warmth and good cheer. And I suspect that perhaps, I am not the only one who has done this or felt this way.

So this year, let’s take time.

Let’s enjoy the moment and absorb the wonder of the season.

The Cost of Freedom

On this day which celebrates freedom and independence here in these United States, it seems fitting that thoughts about freedom and independence touch my mind.

For Scripture is filled with talk about freedom, especially in the New Testament. “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”

Yet what does it mean to be free? Does it mean we can do what we want how we want when we want?

I suppose in a way that is true. Yet though “ ‘everything is permissible,’” “not every thing is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible’—but not everything is constructive.” We were given freedom, both by God and by the founders of this country, so that we would have a choice, yes. But it was to be the choice to do good rather than evil. “Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God.” “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.” “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

So freedom and independence comes at a cost. Yes, it cost many lives, and I do not want to diminish that sacrifice. But it also comes with a cost for every individual who is given freedom: The cost of responsibility.

As a result, we’ve been given a great gift in these United States. We have been given an even greater responsibility, especially those of us who enjoy the double blessing of freedom as both an American and a Christian.

So what are we doing with our freedom?

 

(Verses quoted are from the NIV and are located respectively in John 8:32, John 8:36, Galatians 5:1, 1 Corinthians 10:23, 1 Peter 2:16, Galatians 5:13, and John 8:31-32, emphases mine.)

Dreaming Bigger

Have you ever allowed yourself to dream? Really dream? The world is so big, and the God we serve is so much bigger still. Anything is truly possible with Him.

Is it because—could it be—you haven’t dared to dream big because you are afraid? Afraid of turning out to be nothing special, afraid of failing, afraid of expectations, afraid of losing attention and people’s praise, fear of responsibility?

Legitimate fears, all of them. If we dare to discover what we are truly capable of and dare to push our boundaries, we can no longer claim ignorance and are responsible for maximizing our potential. If we dare do our best on a regular basis, we do often lose attention (the squeaky wheel gets all the oil, after all), and why would praise you for doing what they’ve come to expect of you? It is so much easier to cultivate low expectations in others, so we can easily exceed them and gain praise.

Likewise, if we dare pursue excellence and succeed, we must bear meeting those higher expectations and risk disappointing those expectations; failure is now easier than praise. For if we dare to reach high, we will, at some point fail. We don’t like failure because it reminds us we are human . . . fallible . . . limited. Just like anyone else. And if there’s one thing we don’t want to be, it’s like everyone else.

No, it’s so much easier to never try. Safer, more comfortable. And we can always nourish the hope of “I might have been ________, if I had _______,” and no one can contradict it, for we speak in terms of possibility, not reality. Yes, it’s definitely safer to live with potential than to live out our potential.

But that was never God’s plan. He created each of us unique. He expects each of us to live out that uniqueness to the fullest extent and even beyond, for unlike humanity, He refuses to lower His expectations just because we refuse to try and meet them. He knows whom He created us to be, and yes, He created us to be someone more than we are capable of being. Is that because He wishes to see us fail? No. He wishes to be the One to do the creating. The only way that is possible is by us releasing ourselves to His touch, to His dream—His BIG dream—for us.

So will you? Will you release yourself to Him, to dream His dream for you?