Tuesday, November 24, 2020

The Musings of a Misfit: Un-special

 About “The Musings of a Misfit”: Being a misfit is a lonely business. I know, because I am one. So through these reflections on some of the things I have wrestled with, the hope is others will find encouragement that they are not alone in their struggles.

November 2020

They tell me I’m talented. They tell me I’m gifted.

The truth is I am neither. At least, not the way people mean it. What they see, what they hear, is that which comes from a modicum of talent and a handful of gifting accentuated by years of training and hours of hard work. As they would know if they ever encountered the truly gifted and talented who has trained and worked hard. Then they would see that I’m just above average, nothing that spectacular in the grand scheme of things.

But having them call me talented and gifted makes me want to be talented and gifted, to meet those expectations. So I train hard, study hard, work hard, pushing myself to improve. But in the end, that only makes me feel like a fraud. For I know that training, study, and work aren’t the same as talent and gifting. They cannot fill the void—at least, not all of it—created by a lack of talent and gifting.

So I wait with bated breath for the day that people will discover the truth. That I’m nothing special, nothing worth their time and attention. That they will find someone else to shower their praise upon. I know such a day is coming, but I dread it. Being different has made me an outsider among most already; but that is bearable when that difference is seen as having a purpose, a reason. Someday, however, that will no longer be the case. Then I will be relegated to the fringes, unwanted and forgotten, no longer special but a freak.

Or so the voice of fear whispers—and occasionally shouts—in my ear.

But the voice of fear is not the voice of truth. That belongs to You, Lord, and the words You speak do not sound like the voice of fear or even the voice of expectation.

Your words affirm that, while I may never be special, gifted, or talented as the world defines special, gifted, or talented, I am who I am for a reason. There is a purpose behind why You designed me the way You did, though I may never fully understand that purpose on this side of heaven. More importantly, I don’t need to be special, gifted, or talented to be noticed by You, because You, the Creator of everything, already see me, value me, want me, love me.

In light of that, how much more special can I be?

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