Answering Machine

Beeeeep!

Thank you for calling. I’m sorry that I’m not around to take your call at the moment. I’m out gallivanting around the West, pretending to work on my novel while I stare out the window at mountains and look for the elusive jackalope.

Nonetheless, your call is important to me, and so I’ve installed several options for your convenience:

If you wish to leave scathing criticism of my work or person, press one, so that your comments can be immediately trashed—I mean, stored for future reference.

If you have glowing praise, press two to have your words recorded in stone. Please remember to speak clearly!

If you claim to be a friend or long-lost relative, press three to file your name, supposed relation, and message with my security team (one can never be too careful these days, you know). When they complete their background check and approve your message, I will respond as soon as I can find cell phone service. (Or is that “if”?)

If you are an agent calling to represent me or an editor with a book contract offer, press four and your call will be immediately forwarded to me.

Finally, if you are none of the above or just utterly confused, press five to review ten more options.

Thank you again for your call, and may your day be filled with the conveniences of modern technology!